As some of you who get my update newsletter I send out every month to two months might know, I’m involved in a new start-up called Think.Ink — Right now it’s a Facebook page and a space and place Darren and I are playing inside of as it evolves and finds life (we’re hoping for something fun and exciting). With that as an introduction, we’re currently in the throws of creating a legal entity. Darren does a large amount of work in the automative space and for all kinds of reasons we now need a container that has more officialness.
Along with the new container we needed a Containment Officer (aka accountant). So we found one. I’ve met him once and had a few email conversations. Last week I met with Darren for a cup of coffee and he read me the following letter from our new Containment Officer on how we were going to now work together.
Let me warn those of you who find strong language to be offensive to stop reading now. Click here to go to another post of mine with no strong language. I’ve posted it because it’s refreshing, it’s different, and I prefer to work in a world that has a sense of humour.
Re: Scope of Services and Engagement
I am pleased to set out herewith the basis of the services to be rendered to your incorporated entity and you in your individual capacities, the terms under which I will act and the basis of our respective responsibilities.
Financial Accounting Services
- Keep your fucking chits;
- Fill in your fucking spread sheet templates, accurately and on time;
- File it all systematically – electronically, in a file or a folder, I don’t give a fuck, just do it.
- Preparation of Monthly Accounts;
- Submit VAT returns;
- Keep you honest.
It is proposed that I shall carry out the following taxation services:
- Preparation and submission of provisional tax returns;
- Preparation and submission of the annual income tax returns;
- Provide Ad hoc advice on matters of taxation as they arise.
Not a fuck, I don’t do audits. They will add no value to your business at this time. If you want to pay me to compile annual financial statements, OK.
- My fees are computed on the basis of time spent on your affairs and on the levels of skill and responsibility involved.
- RXXX per hour or part thereof is my hourly rate. If you are lazy, cannot be bothered to do your filing or just fuck up something simple I charge double.
- If it is necessary to carry out work outside the responsibilities outlined in this letter, fees will be negotiated per assignment.
Domicilium and retention of records
Keep your own fucking records, I got my own shit to sort out. I work on the K.I.S.S principle – Keep It Sorted Shithead.
Applicable law & disclaimer
If you are unhappy, tell me. If I am unhappy I’ll tell you. If I fuck up, you get to be sassy but don’t bother suing me. I’ll pay you back your fee. If you fuck up my services and fees are the least of your worries.
Working for other clients
Other motherfuckers need my services. I will not tell them what you do and I will not tell you what they do. As for the two of you, don’t compromise my fucking integrity by placing me in a compromising position. I’ll report you to the SARS fraud line and charge you to make it go away.
Agreement of terms
- I start working when you have your shit together.
- This agreement remains effective until we agree otherwise, you piss me off beyond what is reasonable, or any of our lives or the business terminate. I’m like the mob, you are stuck with me for life.
Please confirm your agreement to these terms by signing the enclosed copy of this letter and returning it to me immediately.
Hahahahah (got to love this guy)